Gratitude and Contrast
Hello Friends and Family!
Bekah and I arrived in Houston on Wednesday, June 8th. When we got to Dixie's I slept for 5 1/2 hours and then also slept the whole night. Dan made the comment the night before we left that I had done as much as was humanly possible in the last 2 weeks – Haha!
I shoveled 3,000 lbs of mulch and compost, cleaned and organized the garage, weeded flower beds, planted the garden, and kept up with all other activities.
One of the personality traits that I have noticed about myself is that I don't necessarily "sense" (Myers/Brigs) what my own needs are all the time... I was feeling so exhausted and sore but "couldn't understand" why?! Hindsight of course all makes much sense. The thing is – Dan works like that every day so it is what motivates me to keep it moving.
Ultimately, it was a good workout for the upcoming events. I welcome the sore muscles right now because it is making me stronger and preparing me for a long and difficult procedure.
Upcoming Schedule
Thursday 6/9 I had 6 tests/procedures
Friday 6/10 meetings and tests
Monday 6/13 I will receive the CVC (Central Venous Catheter) placed in my chest to receive chemo and give blood.
Wednesday 6/15 Meetings and education and signing life away
Thursday 6/16 First Chemo and shave head
6/17 thru 6/21 no appointments - recuperate from chemo
6/22 meet with Doctor Khouri (transplant Doctor) make sure everything is looking good
6/23 admit to hospital start chemo for 3 days
6/29 receive Amy's cells! start the long climb back...
Get out of hospital sometime middle to third week of July and stay at Dixie's
Home-- Oct 6 -- hopefully
Today Bekah and I are staying at a friend of Dixie's and Rich's for 10 days – it's very comfortable and nice.
Here's what I am thinking about today-- and most of the time...
When I was home for the last two weeks – I had so much to deal with mentally.
It took me a while to get my head around it but I feel that between the many conversations that Dan, Bekah, Colt and Zack, Mom and Dad, Amy, Barry, friends, Dr. Khouri... I am able to approach this time with gratitude.
In the paraphrased words of Dr. Khouri, "If you were a person who had achieved a 5-year remission after your first chemo 3 years ago I would say to stay on the trial and get yourself another 5 years – but the truth is that we have to look at your history – and you respond well at first and then relapse quickly because of the aggressive nature of the disease.
So this is a window of opportunity that is perfect timing for the transplant. You are young, strong, and otherwise healthy and have a perfect match that is already collected from your sister. We think this could be a potential long-term cure for you."
Gratitude
So, I am grateful. I am believing that I am right where I am supposed to be.
Very very grateful. Grateful for a loving husband, children, parents, siblings, nephews, nieces, cousins, old friends, new bathroom and grocery line friends, doctors, nurses, phlebotomists, radiologists, researchers, receptionists, fellow cancer patients... and I am not just saying this.
Today I want to talk to you specifically about Bekah among other things... She is here. She has NEVER complained even one time about it. She is a constant reminder to me of what it looks like to be loving, kind, caring, thoughtful, and selfless. She insists on going to all my appointments with me. Waits for hours and hours in waiting rooms. Goes to bat for me – interceding for me when I am not thinking clearly or feeling well. She is absolutely fierce when needed and soft and gentle when needed... Even when she isn't feeling well.
She struggles with migraine headaches – it's a constant battle and yet she never complains about that either. She is always interested and interesting. Always engaged. Always has thought everything through and is just waiting most of the time for me to ask her opinion – but NEVER pushes her ideas on me. She gives me space to make up my mind about what I want to do – a patient woman-daughter.
Sometimes we don't get to spend a lot of time with our grown children. Time can drive a wedge in our understanding of who they have become. It is like some amazing revelation that I get to spend all this time with one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She's Intelligent, FUNNY, compassionate, loving, witty, friendly, creative, talented, uber-qualified, thoughtful, idealistic, innovative, progressive, well-traveled, informed, and all the other things that I already mentioned. She has become my confidante, counselor, and best friend.
When Bekah first came to be my caregiver – there was some tension between us. This can happen with adult children because it takes time for them to realize that you aren't judging them, (if you aren't...) to trust... That you are loving them unconditionally.
It takes zipping your lips when you want to have an opinion on everything that they are doing. It takes giving space and really seeking to understand them for who they are. REALLY. Finding every opportunity to be their cheerleader and encourager in big and small ways.
Because it's different now. They are adults and my role is different. And let me just say right here that I have had to learn this the hard way. Thankfully I had beautiful examples of how to do this with Mom and Dad...how to love unconditionally and give lots of space.
And even though I haven't been able to spend as much time with the boys this year I have experienced a transformation in those two relationships as well.
Zack has had a banner year and it has been awesome to watch! We are all so proud of him and his accomplishments. On a personal level, I have come to know him in his adulthood as a person that has a tremendous work ethic, personal integrity, and compassion-not just about my situation but also toward everyone in his life.
Colt too has had a year of incredible personal growth. He has had to make some tough choices and has done it with integrity and care. He also finished his first year of college going somewhere that he really didn't feel great about but did what he had to do. It was a difficult year but he came out successful through a lot of hard personal work.
Both of the guys have had to deal with the stress and strain of my ongoing roller coaster ride in the midst of their own challenges and have done it with so much love and compassion.
Contrast
Sometimes it's easy to get discouraged by the FACEBOOK effect. When everybody's life looks more fun, amazing, and awesome than your own. We have all been there.
Yesterday Bekah and I met Jhinsheng Yen and his wife. They were in the waiting room – also going in to see the educational video about the CVC insertion (that both he and I will have on Monday).
He was diagnosed with Large Diffuse B cell Lymphoma 3 years ago about the same time that I was. At that time he had R-CHOP (like I did) and has been in remission until recently. Now he is going to have an autologous stem cell transplant like the one I had 2 years ago.
He was so nervous and fearful. Literally shaking like a leaf. His poor wife too had fear in her eyes. He kept shaking his head and asking me if I was afraid. I said that I was – to help him know that it was normal. Immediately both of us were reaching out to him – holding his hand talking him through it. Encouraging both of them.
In that moment I could see my own peacefulness and fearlessness like never before. I found myself saying "You've got to get your dukes up!"; "Be like Superman!" "You're going to be okay!"; "Everything is going to be Okay!".
When he learned about my situation -- and could see that I was alright-- at peace-- not afraid-- he kept saying: "You are my hero!"
It's kind of like when someone comes to your house and sees it for the first time and says how beautiful it is-- You see it again with fresh eyes and notice beauty that you had begun to take for granted. This contrast of fear and peacefulness helped me a lot. I see now how far I have come in 3 years time from complete fear and anxiety to peacefulness, fearlessness and gratitude.
Take a minute
If I can encourage you to right now take a minute to stop and focus on what is beautiful and right about your life. Take a giant step back and notice first your family. They are right there loving you. Notice how amazing they are and all their qualities. This takes time. Notice too how unbelievably and impossibly beautiful you are. This also takes time.
Notice also when you are offered difficulties – these are perfect times to recognize contrasts that will highlight the many blessings around you that you have come to take for granted.
As time moves on – gratitude has taken on a completely different meaning to me. Now I understand that it is what makes me happy no matter what is physically going on.
Lots of love and gratitude for you all,
Linny
